Effective skills in communication are necessary to maintain and increase the quality of our lives. If we can’t communicate effectively, we will be led in a direction we don’t want to go.

Since you presumably have language in common, communication problems in relationships are not caused by shortage of vocabulary. In fact, it’s an ironic thought that more words are exchanged in trying to sort out communication problems than at most other times in the lifetime of a relationship!

Communication problems in relationships almost always come from a clash of values. One partner values safety and security, the other takes risks. Or one is liberated in the bedroom, whilst the other is prudish and shy. It could be said that, on a grander scale, it isn’t only relationships that suffer with this kind of communication problem: nations and cultures do too. It’s the root cause of all war!

Our image of a modern relationship is one of balance, trust, understanding and mutual respect. The modern couple make decisions together and treat each other as equals, with no power relations, in bed or elsewhere.

But in reality it can be more complicated, and old ways of thinking and acting in love, borrowed from our grand-parents(!), can affect that modern balance.

Broken and difficult relationships can be avoided by understanding the principles of communication, and the pitfalls we encounter.

When we know and understand the process of communication, we can actively implement the principles, hone our skills, avoid the problems and become the effective communicators that we all desire to be.

The language we use to symbolize reality is incomplete.

We will always leave something out when we’re retelling a story because we can never say everything about something. And the words we choose to describe something are not reality. They are our understanding of reality.

There is a vital key here. There is one belief, one fundamental value that you should share before you get embroiled in a relationship with anyone. Agree that the only thing that matters is your personal happiness. And then both of you should agree that your focus will be on helping each other to achieve that until death do you part.

If you give that, rather than seeing or feeling that the person is your opponent, she or he will always be your partner in your feeling good. And you will be his or hers. If you share that simple value system, you will never, ever have communication problems in relationships again. And maybe we’d have the beginning of world peace too.

Be careful in the words you choose. Be sure they symbolize what you really mean. And when you’re communicating with someone, ask questions to clarify what the person really intends to say. If you are unsure about what your colleague means when he tells you he doesn’t feel well, ask. Find out what his reality is.

Developing Your Communication Skills and abilities is a lifelong process. Throughout our lives we are faced with challenges in communicating effectively. You can learn to be a more effective communicator by:

1. Observing and imitating excellent communicators.
2. Learning from your own and others’ mistakes.
3. Developing a conscious awareness of communication habits, patterns, styles, strengths, weaknesses.
4. Applying principles of effective communication.