It seems there is nothing more difficult, than living together: every third marriage in Europe comes to an end with divorce. However, participants of the process do not grow wiser due to it, marrying for the second time, they get divorced again.

Arnold Lazarus

Gained experience of parting is not a guarantor of happy future at all. Majority of couples thinks about their own ideal representations of marriage and expectations rather far from reality. Researchers have been trying to explain this phenomenon during many years. Femlive found out that their explanations are sometimes opposite to each other. Thus, John Gottman considers that friendship is the basis of a strong marriage. Arnold Lazarus is assured that it is capable to kill love.

Arnold Lazarus — a doctor of psychology, honourable professor of postgraduate study of applied and professional psychology at Rutgers University, a member of editorial boards of 10 specialised magazines. Lazarus was the president of Association of behavioral therapy development, received the award «For special merits in the field of psychology», awarded by the American Committee of professional psychology.

The author of four books and more than 150 articles.

Arnold Lazarus have been dealing with this problem within 25 years and came to a following conclusion: «Actually, nobody knows how to achieve harmony in relations». Majority of couples thinks about their own own ideal representations about marriage and expectations that are rather far from reality.

The first way: Relations «joined at the hip» or «thread follows needle»

One of classical representations how life together should look, is the postulate that a man and a woman living together should be connected not only by love, but also friendship. The motto of such relations is «My partner is my best friend». Lazarus considers that this is a mistake, «marriage and friendship, surely, have much in common, but they are still different. Thus, you usually meet friends “outside”, out of four walls of your house, while dialogue with a partner in marriage, as a rule, takes place “inside”- i.e. at home. “Internal” and “external” life cannot be compared easily. They often have different filling and different reasons for quarrels. Who will quarrel with the best friend because of dirty socks scattered everywhere, tooth-paste on the mirror or hair on a hairbrush?

Some couples try to solve the problem of “external and internal” life, telling each other absolutely everything and doing all things together. Such model of behaviour will lead to rupture, rather than to an establishment of strong relations.

The reason: people, who always do everything together, turn to exist in the world of identical sensations: soon they will have no themes for conversation, nothing to speak with each other.

Second way: 100 % frankness in bed

If a husband dares to tell a wife about his sexual imaginations, her reaction may be disgust and a panic, instead of joyful consent to their realisation. So, it is sometimes better keeping secrets inside of you, not to frighten your second half. And frankness should have borders. «In a happy marriage, - Lazarus explains, - absolute trust cannot reign. On the contrary, there is always some easy innuendo, or a hint to it”.

The reason: The one who is assured of his partner’s loyalty and feelings, soon starts perceiving it as something self-evident.

The respect, thus, also disappears, and a partner is already considered as valuable furniture, which should be looked after and polished in time. As a result, “furniture” can rebel and go on searches for the one, who will perceive it differently.

Third way: Demonstration of personal kinks

Category «Honesty that kills love» concerns also a belief that you can do what you want in your partner’s presence at home, without hesitating and paying attention to his reaction to your whims and kinks. Lazarus considers that there is no place for permissiveness and infinite demonstration of whims in love. Thus, you show disrespect to your partner.

it is a paradox, but in ordinary life harmless whims and kinks occure more often, than global checks of one’s strength of mind at first sight. «How often your partner saves your life? More often, than he forgets to hold a door? More often, than he lets you down at your friends’ presence? Hardly! These are just trifles and details, but they fill our life and can make everyone flare up. So it is better to liquidate your own kinks in advance!